Rich kids and wealth guilt: Can kids still be empathetic?

Childhood experiences no doubt influence our outlook as adults. While I had an abundance of love as a child, money was in short supply. We were poor. Decidedly poor. Sometimes embarrassingly poor. I remember being sent to school in something that resembled the school uniform but was sourced from the local op shop.

I remember translating to my Arabic-speaking parents that the men at the door were from the Office of the Sheriff and didn’t want to come in and join us for dinner. They wanted us to pay overdue bills. I remember being at the grocery store counter as Mum emptied her wallet to pay but would come up short and send me to return anything that wasn’t an absolute necessity. We never went on holidays and I got my first bicycle at 15 that I paid for myself after getting a job.

Before you reach for a very small violin, wait until I get you up to speed on my current conundrum. I now have children, and despite my husband and I both being povo kids from the western suburbs, we are now very middle class.

It’s a pretty cliched trajectory. Our parents wanted a better life for us and worked hard to provide what they could. They modelled the importance of sacrifice, hard work and savings. Naturally, we now want a better life for our children – but at what cost?

I wrestle with guilt about this newfound privilege and spend a lot of time worrying about my children because, while they never go without, they’ve never witnessed financial hardship. What a tough gig.

I suffer from wealth guilt, which is a difficult-to-describe reaction to socioeconomic inequality. I’m acutely aware that the growing income disparity in Australia was exacerbated by the pandemic and is worsening with the global recession.

Is it possible for my daughters to be empathetic and resilient when their biggest hardship was the one time they had to share a bed at a luxurious resort in Singapore? “But Mum, at home I have my room and my own queen bed. This is so unfair! I hate my life!”

If I had all the answers, I’d be living my best (guilt-free) life. So, I went looking for strategies and tools. Not only is Google a problematic resource for self-appointed immunologists on the hunt for proof big pharma ‘created’ COVID-19 – it also has limitations when it comes to diagnosing and treating parenting woes. When I typed “how do I ensure I’m not raising arrogant, entitled assholes?” I couldn’t get a clear answer.

Poverty has well-documented negative effects on kids, and Australia has a high rate of child poverty, with almost one in five living in households experiencing poverty. Perhaps unsurprisingly, however, there aren’t swaths of research on the woes of rich kids. There is some evidence they’re at greater risk of battling depression, anxiety and substance abuse and are more likely to face pressure to perform and feel isolated from parents.

While it’s important to be aware of individual challenges kids may face because of their home lives, I also wanted to understand ways children can contribute positively to society. There’s growing proof that affluent kids are less ethical, less empathetic, and often more narcissistic.

Oh, crap. This is a rare example, where I don’t enjoy being right. Lecturing or preaching about “the starving kids in Africa” or “when I was your age, we only ate spam and didn’t know prosciutto existed” doesn’t work. Trust me, we’ve tried.

Next I turned to parenting podcasts and hit the local library in search for help. The good news is that empathy can be learnt. Recent research from the University of Cambridge found “not only that it is possible to teach empathy, but that by doing so we support the development of children’s creativity, and their wider learning”.

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Turning to gratitude instead of immobilising guilt is another proven technique. While it’s not always easy, chatting to children about how fortunate you are, what you are grateful for and discussing different ways to use your privilege for good is crucial. It gives kids an opportunity to open up about their feelings, thoughts, fears about money, class and other social issues.

Donating your money and time, not to alleviate guilt but as a means to an end in a world where privilege and opportunity is not parceled out equally is another good behaviour to model to children. This is increasingly important because Australians are becoming less charitable. We’re giving back at low levels not seen since the 1970s.

While I wouldn’t swap my daughters’ experience in Singapore with my early exposure to the sheriff’s office, I’m aware that with the financial gains we’ve made, there have been things lost. Exactly what is impossible to quantify on a balance sheet.

Antoinette Lattouf is a broadcaster, columnist and author. She is co-host of The Briefing podcast and co-founder of Media Diversity Australia.

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