‘We’ll get the next one, don’t worry!’ my friend shouts as she runs out of the restaurant with a toddler clutching her hand. My partner and I are left looking at the bill for our long leisurely holiday lunch – which included steak and two bottles of rose.
If I settle the bill, I find myself wondering, have they just agreed to pay the next? What if we get supermarket baguettes for a beach picnic tomorrow? Will that be the lunch they pay for?
But mainly, as I pay the bill, which is more than I would usually spend on the weekly shop, I am wondering why I didn’t think about this before we decided to go on holiday with our much richer friends.
Au revoir holiday budget.
Holidaying with other people is always about compromise – whether it’s different approaches to parenting or spending time with couples who like to air long seated resentments in public.
But going away with people who have more money than you is a particular stress all of its own. It might look all ‘White Lotus,’ but how does that play out in real life when you are dealing with Brits who generally treat money as a taboo topic?
According to a recent You Gov survey, 38 per cent of Britons think that talking about money is off-limits. And I have to say, I agree. There is just something awkward about being vocal about money.
But Jennifer Cox, psychotherapist and author, thinks that we need to push back against the taboo that exists around money. “We’ve been taught that it’s distasteful or offensive to discuss finances.” she says. “But I feel passionately that we need to start talking openly. Money can quickly become the elephant in the room for adult friendships. But, like with so much else that we try to hide from, it just shouts more loudly to get heard. Which is how resentment and envy can build.”
Clare Seal is a money expert and author. She also recommends being up front when it comes to money, and open about what you can and cannot afford.
“Sometimes these situations can force you to confront uncomfortable feelings like envy or resentment,” she says. “But it’s better to be honest with yourself about feeling that way rather than letting it come out as passive aggression.”
The reality is that going on holiday with people who are richer than you is a minefield – unless you choose to address it.
In my experience, wealthier people can often be more laissez faire when it comes to money. They can also be more assertive and louder which means their opinions and choices dominate.
This is backed up by the ‘Monopoly experiment’, which explored how wealth and inequality influence behaviour. Conducted by Paul Piff at the University of California, Berkeley the experiment’s results showed that ‘rich’ players (who were randomly assigned) demonstrated less empathy and were louder and more assertive. In other words, if you’re wealthy you might not be so open to listening to your friends – and you might not even notice that your view is dominating.
The truth is that it is often easier spending time with people on a similar budget to you. Particularly since the cost of living crisis, I’ve noticed a move amongst many of my friends towards itemised bills, or buying individual drinks rather than rounds. Nobody wants to be seen as being miserly but this removes the potential awkwardness of one person feeling peeved because they’ve paid for a round and others in the group haven’t.
But, aside from the practical matter of who pays for what, it’s interesting to reflect on our emotional response to money and the fact that we are all deeply influenced by our childhoods and upbringing.
“Our individual attitudes towards money are, as well as being driven by our reality, highly emotional,” says Cox. “They’re influenced by ideas wired into us as we grew up, and can be quite separate to our actual situation now. If we can talk about why we feel the way we do about money, and how certain types of spending can trigger us, we can find a more achievable way into the conversation than literally discussing our differing paycheques.”
Talking about how our relationship with money has been shaped also helps us set boundaries that our friends can better understand.
Cox adds: “Talking in more emotional terms about money makes it easier to explain our spending decisions. Because my dad lost his job when we were young, I get nervous about splurging on what I instinctively feel are luxuries. I’m trying to be braver around it, because I know I deserve a holiday, but please be patient with me while I learn that I don’t need to be scared!”
Identifying the emotions means we can choose to separate the idea of money from the feelings it invokes. In other words what’s needed is clear communication and honesty. This will go a long way to dispelling the awkward, cringe-factor of having to sit through a meal you can’t afford.
“Yes, money tries to spark all kinds of feelings for us, but we have choices about whether we let it, says Cox. “Sharing those feelings with friends also means we can help each other to make those distinctions.”
It is worth bearing in mind that, ultimately, if your wealthier friends don’t understand your fears around spending then they don’t deserve to be your friends. But also, if you know this is going to be a big issue for you then my advice is to go on holiday with your own family and avoid going with others.
It might sound anti-social but at least you’ll hopefully return with your wallet and your self esteem intact.
Tips from money expert Clare Seal on holidaying with ‘bougie’ friends:
1. Prepare a few stock phrases
Use them when you want to turn something down or do something different. Remember that we’re all so much more than what we earn, what we own and what we owe.
2. Try to decide a rough agenda
It should fit both your budgets beforehand, including number of meals out, activities etc. This will allow you to budget the right amount of money and enjoy yourself without worrying about dipping into your savings or going into debt.
3. Try to navigate awkward moments
Approach splitting the bill with humour and affection. Different lifestyles don’t have to mean that you’re incompatible.
