This feature is part of Lonely at the Top, a series that examines the link between wealth and loneliness.
When Lisa Johnson launched her business strategy career eight years ago and suddenly became a millionaire, many things in her life vanished. Her £35,000 debt (around $44,800). Her need to meticulously budget or worry about childcare costs for her twins. And, mysteriously enough, some of her friends, too.
“They just ghosted me — disappeared,” Johnson told Business Insider. Johnson, who grew up in a housing development in England, said she hadn’t changed how she treated the people around her, so “it was a shock. No one ever spoke to me about it. I just felt dropped.”
Johnson isn’t the only one whose wealth has gotten in the way of her lifelong relationships. It’s happening across the pond as well. While America’s millionaire class continues to grow, making up over 6% of the country’s population, some self-made millionaires experience a more bittersweet taste of success: losing their old friends and family.
Tori Ferenc for BI
Some might work longer hours or have different spending habits than their social circles — habits that contributed to their wealth in the first place. Over time, they said they’ve felt judged for living differently, a topic that feels impossible to address and can drive a wedge even further between the closest bonds.
To add insult to isolation, no one wants to hear rich people complain. Nepo babies are frequently reviled, whether they’re Hollywood-dominating celebrity children or New York City homeowners buying their apartments through trust funds. In the entertainment world, TV shows and films like “The White Lotus,” “Succession,” and “Parasite” have dominated culture for years, skewering the ultrawealthy to consistent acclaim (often from the well-to-do themselves).
This story is part of a series, “Lonely at the Top,” which examines the impact of wealth on the relationships of millionaires. Read more:
Still, millionaires aren’t devoid of relationship issues. In some ways, they can experience wholly unique ones, because “the world is not very compassionate to that kind of trouble and pain,” Amanda Clayman, a financial therapist who hosts Fresh Produce Media’s Audible series “Emotional Investment,” told Business Insider.
Loneliness is something not even the wealthy can buy their way out of. If anything, understanding how money changes relationships is the first step to keeping them.
Shifting priorities
Self-made millionaires tend to have a few distinct qualities. For one, their relationship with money can differ from that of their friends. They might focus more on long-term financial goals and be more stringent about saving.
When Lane Kawaoka became a millionaire by buying rental properties, he realized his newfound wealth was making him feel lonely. Much of it had to do with differing mindsets.
“My coworkers didn’t understand things I found important,” Kawaoka told Business Insider. “It wasn’t because those people were less intelligent than I am; we were just concerned about different things.”
Eventually, he stopped talking about his goals because he worried it sounded like he was bragging. He also didn’t want people to assume he had lots of money to spare: “Still being frugal at the time, I didn’t want any excuse for me to have to pick up the bill all the time for my buddies.”
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The millionaire can find themselves siloing off into a new class bubble because “it’s hard to plan and stay in touch with people who just can’t do the same things that you can do,” Clay Cockrell, a licensed clinical social worker focusing on high-net-worth individuals, told Business Insider.
Sometimes, the work schedule required to stay wealthy is what drives away old friends and family. Jeremy Barker, a millionaire CEO of a company that sells unique doors, was a firefighter. Starting his own company meant working longer hours on the side.
“My colleagues at the firehouse started teasing me more and more about how hard I was working,” Barker told Business Insider. “I wasn’t spending as much time with them because I had different priorities — they wanted to hang out on days off, while I was always working on the business.” Soon, they stopped inviting him.
His attempts to split his time between both jobs left him distracted and distant. On the day his fire chief encouraged him to resign from the firehouse to better prioritize his company and family, Barker remembered coming home to near silence.
“Only my dog greeted me — my wife and daughter didn’t even look up,” he said. “My wife noticed I was frustrated and told me if I wanted to be treated like a dad, I needed to start showing up like one.”
Perceived as snobs
Even if millionaires believe their feelings — and potential judgments — aren’t obvious, the truth usually comes out. Johnson remembers sharing her thoughts on money via social media, how she was working hard to move away from debt.
“I often felt like that irritated a few of my friends,” she said. “There were lots of comments that felt passive-aggressive, like: ‘It’s alright for you,’ ‘It’s OK for the lucky ones,’ and ‘It’s how the other half live.'”
Over time, the long working hours, declined invitations, and distinctly different financial goals can lead to schisms in millionaires’ relationships. Tensions can especially come to a head when lending money is concerned.
Niki Chan Wylie for BI
“A family member recently asked me for money after telling me he’d been ‘lounging’ lately,” Barker said. “I just wish I could teach that guy — who is smart and physically capable — to work hard.”
“I’ve seen too many family rifts erupt when expectations aren’t clearly spelled out,” Joy Slabaugh told Business Insider. A millionaire and financial therapist, Slabaugh, asked her relative to sign an agreement to monthly interest-only payments of $100, with the principal due three months after the initial payment, for a $1,000 loan.
Privately, Slabaugh questioned if loaning a relative money, even with a repayment plan, was the right move: “I was afraid that giving them money — even as a loan — might be more harmful than helpful,” potentially enabling her relative.
The relative kept up with the payments at first, but then there were months of silence. Slabaugh later learned that they were going through some personal issues and “felt so much shame” about not paying the money back right away that they didn’t reply.
“If I had been clearer and more emotionally honest from the beginning, we could’ve avoided months of silence and perhaps reduced their emotional strain,” Slabaugh said.
Openness is the key
For some millionaires, downplaying or even hiding their wealth feels like a Band-Aid to the problem. Over time, the omissions can stiffen relationships.
“It is a barrier to intimacy, in the sense of true knowing and connection for each other’s unique set of experiences,” Clayman said.
To be a healthy, well-rounded person, you need community, Cockrell said. Millionaires, who are still in the vast financial minority, “just happen to have a complicating factor.”
He said the first step is to slowly open up to people, knowing that some may struggle with the truth — or try to take advantage of it — but that it’s not one’s job to manage other people’s reactions. Cockrell said being wealthy is a lot like being exceptionally beautiful. “People are going to be attracted to you for different reasons,” he said, “and it’s important for you to own that, but then not let that necessarily cloud your judgment.”
Joanna Kulesza for BI
Kawaoka said meeting other millionaires, particularly fellow first-generation ones, made him feel less alone. “These people — many of them with seven- and eight-figure net worths — weren’t arrogant or flashy,” he said. “They were people who had lost money, made it back, learned lessons, and kept moving forward.”
Befriending others like him was a huge relief and a moment of self-discovery. “I wasn’t introverted like I thought; I was just an extrovert who’d never found his tribe,” he said.
Connections, of course, don’t have to be limited to people with the same net worth. A great way to meet people is through volunteering and giving back, Cockrell said, but beware the impulse to just give away your money.
“Don’t just write the check,” Cockrell said. “Go pick up a hammer, ladle some soup, get out there and meet people so that it’s not just about the money. It’s having relationships and contributing.”
Barker is still a part-time firefighter, picking up shifts every few months. “I take a lot of ribbing; they’ll call me Mr. Millionaire, or ask for business or life advice,” he said. Still, it’s a way to stay connected to his old friends.
Sometimes, giving back can mean treating your lifelong crew. Johnson said she takes about 20 of her long-term friends on a yacht trip around Greece every year. “I didn’t realize how much I took them for granted, but I’m so grateful for them now,” she said. “I know I can trust them because they liked me before I made my money.”
